


How To Fall For Your Asshole Classmate: A Guide By Karkat Vantas

by tinplan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Humanstuck, M/M, POV Third Person, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Swearing, aradia is mentioned, but it's like, karkat being a dumbass, lots of pesterlogs, sollux and kanaya being there for the drama, two lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:26:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24683047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinplan/pseuds/tinplan
Summary: Karkat Vantas, in his twenty one years of life, had learn to spot an asshole.It was one of his most esteemed abilities, for which his roomate Sollux constantly made fun of him.So when Dave Strider entered his psychology class in senior year, he immediately pinpointed him as someone to avoid.The problem?  Dave Strider wouldn’t stop fucking talking to him.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92





	How To Fall For Your Asshole Classmate: A Guide By Karkat Vantas

Karkat Vantas, in his twenty one years of life, had learn to spot an asshole. It was one of his most esteemed abilities, for which his roomate Sollux constantly made fun of him. 

So when Dave Strider entered his psychology class in senior year, he immediately pinpointed him as someone to avoid. If the duchy shades and the badly bleached hair weren’t enough, the constant unbothered expression did the trick. 

And the worst part? Since the first day of class together, Dave Strider wouldn’t stop fucking talking to him. The guy chose the seat right next to Karkat’s, and wouldn’t fucking move. Karkat did not fail in making it clear the way he felt about the guy, but it didn’t matter to him. 

It’s not like he didn’t have friends, Strider had plenty of those. So why on Earth did he need to bother Karkat of all people?

It had started innocently enough, he had held out his hand and introduced himself. Karkat had told him to piss off. 

He didn’t.

If the proximity wasn’t bad enough, Dave Strider talked so fucking much.

«Dude, did you know that our brain is the size of two fists touching? It’s the coolest shit, like, we got all our information in our hands. Metaphorical and all that crap. And...» Karkat had started calling it a fact a day, and he wasn’t happy with the knowledge that it happened enough to deserve a name. He would start the conversation with Karkat with a fact, and then go on a rampage about some other shit, mostly regarding his family and friends.

In a total of two weeks he learned that Rose Lalonde wrote wizard smut in her free time, that Dirk Strider didn’t know how to cook for shit and that Roxy Lalonde loved her cats more than her siblings.

The bad thing was not only that Karkat listened enough to pick up those facts, but that he listened particularly the few times Dave talked about himself. Apparently, he played the turntables (which was one more point on the asshole scale) and he actually fucking LIKED psychology. 

The time he discovered that, he had to stop Strider and asked.

«Wait, you’re here because you like this shit? Aren’t you majoring in music or something equally useless?» His voice was a little loud, but Strider didn’t even flinch. He just grinned at Karkat like it was christmas and someone got him the most ironic fucking gift imaginable. And then he realized.

It was the first time he talked to him not to insult him, and he noticed too.

Well, fuck.

«You’re frowning so hard i’m surprised your eyebrows haven’t fallen off for the excessive pressure» Karkat was in his room browsing romance movie reviews, while his roommate Sollux played some stupid fucking game.

«Shut the fuck up a second, will you? I need to figure something out» He was too dazed by the computer to actually make up some creative insult to throw Sollux's way.

«Has that “something” anything to do with computers? Cause you know you’ll destroy the thing. You’re almost as bad as Kanaya» His tone was of mockery. Fucking fantastic. Now he had the full attention of his annoying-as-fuck roomate.

But that wasn’t what he was worried about right at that moment because-

«How the fuck did Dave Strider get my pesterlog?»

«Wait what?» Sollux was almost as surprised as him. He walked all the way to his side of the room and peered at the machine like it had started talking. 

There, clear as day, in red fucking letter was the following:

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 17:45\--  
  
TG: hey man, its Dave  
TG: you know, the one from psychology?   
TG: so, ok, I get how this is absolutely fucking weird  
TG: I promise I’m not, like a stalker or a serial killer  
TG: which, thinking about it, is exactly what a stalker or serial killer would say  
TG: but Im not going to kill you   
TG: probably  
TG: you shouldnt take candy from strangers karkitty  
TG: but then again, Im not a stranger  
TG: and Im not offering candy  
TG: unless you count as candy my company  
TG: which you should  
TG: it’s like top notch candy  
TG: this shits expensive Karkat   
TG: come and take a piece it’s running out   
  


Karkat had to resist the urge to frown even more than he was already doing. 

But there was only one way to actually know what was going on.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU FUCKING IDIOT   
TG: wow hey dude   
TG: I didn't actually expect a response   
TG: I thought you would just let me rant for another half an hour   
TG: and then you could go around campus revealing to everyone my secret   
TG: “HEY EVERYONE, TURNS OUT DAVE STRIDER IS JUST A FUCKING DORK”   
CG: THAT PART HAS BEEN ALREADY ESTABLISHED BY YOUR FUCKING INCOMPREHENSIBLE BLABBERING IN CLASS.  
CG: WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS ANNOYING AS ALL FUCKS.  
CG: SPEAKING OF ANNOYING AS FUCK, HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY PESTERCHUM? I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING END YOU IF YOU HACKED IT OR SOME SHIT.  
TG: no  
TG: dude   
TG: who do you think I am?  
TG: you wound me man  
TG: I would never steal your precious data from the internet  
TG: that shit is only for you and your FBI agent  
TG: which, by the way, not to scare you or some shit, you totally have  
CG: I DON’T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING IDIOTIC CONSPIRACY THEORIES.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, I WAS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING LESS BRAIN WRECKING THAN TALKING TO YOU, YOU KNOW?  
CG: I HAVE A FUCKING LIFE, A THING YOU APPARENTLY MISS.  
TG: for your information, I do have a life  
TG: a life which I decide to use talking to you  
TG: you should call yourself lucky  
TG: do you know how many people want a piece of this hot Strider ass  
CG: IF YOU EVER.  
CG: AND I MEAN EVER.  
CG: THINK OF SAYING THAT AGAIN.  
CG: I WILL BLOCK YOU FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT.  
CG: AND STOP FUCKING STALLING.  
CG: HOW.  
CG: DID.  
CG: YOU.  
CG: GET.  
TG: yeah I got it jesus christ stop  
CG: MY.  
TG: fuck  
CG: FUCKING.  
TG: dude  
TG: no  
CG: PESTERLOG.  
TG: ok   
TG: ok fuck  
TG: my sister gave it to me  
CG: WIZARD PORN OR KITTENS?  
TG: …  
TG: fuck I cant believe Im saying this  
TG: wizard porn  
CG: HOW IN THE FUCKING FUCK DOES LALONDE KNOW MY PESTERCHUM?  
TG: she didnt  
TG: her girlfriend gave it to her  
CG: GIRLFRIEND???  
TG: The One That Writes Like This And Uses This Color  
CG: YOU ARE TELLING ME.  
CG: THAT FUCKING *LALONDE* IS DATING MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND.  
CG: AND KANAYA DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME?  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.  
CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF.  
TG: no man  
TG: dont block me  
TG: they’re like  
TG: a new item  
TG: it hasnt even been like a week  
TG: but I heard that you and her were tight  
TG: and though “hey, why dont I ask her his pesterchum, so I can make an even bigger fool out of myself”  
TG: you know what  
TG: forget it  
TG: sorry for bothering you   
CG: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK.  
  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 18:10--  
  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:11--  


«That was embarrassing even for you» In all that shit, Karkat forgot is nosy roommate was reading their conversation.

«Get the fuck off my back. It was him who was acting like a fucking wriggler for no reason» He closed his computer, now annoyed. 

«I’m gonna go for a walk, maybe go to Kanaya and confront her of blatantly lying to my fucking face» 

He did hear Sollux murmuring something along the lines of “yep, no reason at all” but he elected to ignore it.

He did end up going to Kanaya.

When she opened the door, she froze for approximately two seconds before inviting him in.

«Karkat» She said, her voice a bit groggy. She must have been sleeping. 

She did look like it, with her dark brown hair not styled and sticking up in every direction; and her green eyes somewhat sparkly. 

«To what do I owe the pleasure?» 

He wanted to say sorry for waking her up. Maybe add one or two self deprecating comments in the way. Wanted to ask why the fuck did she voluntarily give out his pesterchum handle.    
Instead, all it came out of his mouth was a miserable:

«Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Rose?» God, he was so fucking pathetic.

Kanaya seemed as surprised as he was from the question. She lifted her eyebrows and her lips parted in a silent ‘oh’.

«How did you know?» Karkat looked at her, he was fucking pitiful in that moment. He didn’t like the feeling.

«Strider told me»

«You’re talking to Strider?» Now she was frowning, confused.

«He’s in my psychology class, I told you, didn’t I?»

«And you have your class at six pm?» Busted.

«Well,  **someone** decided to give my pesterchum handle like fucking candy» Her eyes widened, realization crossing her feature.

«Oh» There was a long silence, in which the two of them simply stared at one another. «I’m sorry Karkat, I didn't realize that you would be against the action. Furthermore, I didn’t know it was meant for Dave» She stepped forward, putting a hand on Karkat’s arm.

He sighed and hugged her. It was a stupid thing, he didn’t actually need to be that fucking needy. But he was. 

«Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Rose?» He repeated again. Kanaya was a few inches taller than him, and his face was able to rest against her shoulder. She smelled strongly of mint, and Karkat thought she probably had a cup of tea before that.

«To be honest with you, I was quite scared» After hearing the words, he detached himself from her, to take a better look at her face.

«What? Why?» He asked, in a confused tone.

She swallowed before continuing, not meeting his eyes.

«You know I love you dearly, Karkat. But you can sometimes be very… defensive, and Rose likes pushing someone’s buttons often» She finally met his eyes.

He always admired her eyes, that beautiful green. His were a boring-as-fuck brown, not that the rest of him was any better.

«I was preoccupied with the thought that you would hate her. I do like her very much»

Karkat wanted to laugh.

«If she makes you happy, then she’s ok in my book» Kanaya’s smile was large, and it lightened up all her face.

«So» She said, in that way she spoke when she absolutely knew the answer to her question «Was this the only reason you came to visit?».

She knew him too well.

«As I said, Strider messaged me» He sat on her bed, and she followed suit. 

«Yes, I do realize that. Was there a problem?»

«He was  **weird** , i mean, weirder than usual» Kanaya raised an eyebrow.

«What do you mean by “weird”?» Her voice was calm, but laced with curiosity. 

«Just- weird» He shifted in his seat «And not, like, his usual dorky self. I just mean embarrassed»

«”dorky”?» Kanaya seemed confused. 

«Yeah, you know, with the stupid joke and the insufferable half-smiles?» 

«I have met Dave, I would not really define him as dorky» Kanaya said, playing with a strand of her hair. «He is quite a charming guy»

«Please tell me you don’t find Strider attractive» Just the thought made him want to puke.

«I unfortunately do not play for that team, Karkat. Furthermore, I would not dream of stealing him from you.»

Karkat sputtered. 

«What the fuck? No. No. No» He got up from the bed and looked accusingly at his best friend.

«What do you mean with “no”, Karkat?» She started batting her eyelashes, like she didn’t know what she insinuated.

«You know what? Fuck you» He started walking to the door «I am NOT having this conversation». And with that, he opened the front door.

«See you tomorrow» She called from inside the room.

«Sure» He said, right before leaving. 

When he arrived in his room, Karkat found the worst fucking surprise of the century waiting for him.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  at 18:40--  
  
TT: Hello, I have yet to introduce myself to you.  
TT: I’m Rose, Dave’s sister.  
TT: And Kanaya’s girlfriend, of course.  
TT: I heard that my brother apparently, and I quote “ made a fool out of myself. Like, not even funny fool, it was just fucking sad, man ” and I immediately had to discover what he said that was so groundbreakingly “cringe-worthy”.  
TT: Did he make some sort of Freudian slips? If so, it’s quite normal for him, don’t worry about it.  
TT: You are apparently not online right now, if you do get this messages I would like for you to respond.  
TT: I guess this is a goodbye until the next time we’ll talk.  
TT: Preferably when you’ll be able to answer.

He looked around the room, Sollux was out, apparently.

If Karkat had to guess, he’d say he went to his girlfriend’s house. Good for him.

CG: WELL, LOOK AT THAT.  
CG: I COULDN’T POSSIBLY FUCKING WAIT TO HAVE ANOTHER CRYPTIC AD FUCK CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE STRIDER-RELATED.  
CG: JUST THE PEAK OF MY WONDERFUL FUCKING DAY.  
TT: Ah, so you did get my messages.  
TT: I have to say, I’m very glad you responded Karkat.  
CG: I CAN’T SAY THE SAME THING, UNFORTUNATELY.  
TT: I’m afraid to say that with the way I hope this conversation to go, I’m not sure you’re going to change your mind.  
CG: I COULD ALWAYS JUST BLOCK YOU, YOU KNOW?  
TT: But you won’t. Will you?  
CG: …  
TT: What a great sensation being right.  
TT: Now, I am really curious about what my brother did to cause such a reaction from him.  
CG: REACTION?  
TT: Oh, nothing to worry about. Just a wall of red messages that could be summed up with “I fucked up”.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? I’M NOT SURE STRIDER WOULD BE ECSTATIC TO KNOW HIS SISTER IS REVEALING THEIR PRIVATE CHATS.  
TT: You’re right, he would not.  
TT: But as long as you don’t say anything, I don’t see the problem.  
TT: You see, my brother can be particularly dense when he wants to.  
TT: Especially in regards to people like you.  
CG: PEOPLE LIKE ME? WHAT IN THE FLAMING FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?  
TT: …  
TT: Oh, you don’t know?  
TT: Well, isn’t that an unexpected turn of events.  
TT: I’m quite surprised.  
CG: KNOW WHAT.  
TT: Karkat.  
CG: WHAT.  
TT: How do you feel about my brother?  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: I thought the question was pretty self explanatory.  
CG: HE’S AN ASSHOLE.  
TT: That, he is.  
TT: But I didn’t ask you that now, did I?  
CG: I’M NOT IN THE MOOD TO PLAY SOME STUPID AS FUCK MIND GAME WITH YOU, LALONDE.  
CG: I ENDURE HIM. HE GETS PRETTY OFTEN ON MY FUCKING NERVES.  
CG: WHY.  
TT: No reason at all.  
TT: Well, Karkat, this conversation was enlightening to say the least.  
TT: But I need to go now.  
TT: It was a pleasure talking to you.  
CG: WAIT LALONDE WHAT THE FUCK.  
  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:30--  
  
CG: IS IT A FUCKING FAMILY TRAIT OR SOMETHING?  
CG: FUCK  
  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 19:31--  


He slumped in his chair and covered his eyes with his hands.

That conversation was even more brain wrecking than the one with Strider, and it was saying something. He didn’t actually know what to do, or what the fuck Lalonde was implying, at it was kind of eating him alive.

The only thing he wanted to do was sleep for the entire weekend and pretend that this never happened. Yeah, that was a good plan.

There was only one thing he needed to make sure of before he threw himself on his bed.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  twinArmageddons [TA] at 19:37--  
  
CG: HEY ASSWIPE.  
CG: I’M JUST MAKING SURE YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK TO THE DORM TODAY.  
CG: BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DON’T WANT TO BE WOKEN UP BY YOU SHUFFLING IN AT AN UNGODLY HOUR OF THE MORNING.  
TA: kk what the fuck.  
TA: iim buii2y.  
CG: DID I ASK THAT?  
CG: JUST TELL ME IF YOU’RE COMING BACK OR NOT.  
TA: jegus.  
TA: no, ii wont be comiing back to the fuckiing dorm.  
TA: happy now?  
CG: YES, NOW GO BACK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  
CG: SAY HI TO ARADIA BY THE WAY.  
TA: liike you care.  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TA: ii wiill go do that.  
  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:45--

Now with the certainty of no one bothering him for the night, Karkat went the fuck to sleep.

Unfortunately, the day after was not as “chill” as he had hoped it would be.

He woke up late, which was a fucking blessing, and decided that for once in his life, he wanted to get out of the house. It was around noon when he finally had the will to actually start getting ready, and not long after he was out of the dorm and into the street. 

And of-fucking-course he met Dave Strider.

Why was he even surprised at this point. 

Because naturally, they both chose to eat in the same fucking place.

It was in moment like this that Karkat started wondering what the fuck did he do to deserve such punishments.

He tried to ignore the Strider douche, and took a seat in an empty table, the furthest away from his.

Not even five minutes later, a very familiar voice called for his attention next to him.

«Hey man» Strider greeted, casually leaning against his table «is this seat taken?»

Karkat only speared him a glance, before returning to the menu. 

«Yes, by everyone who is not you» Strider laughed, small smile creeping up on his face.

«Harsh man, don’t hurt me this way» But, apparently, he didn’t listen to karkat, because he sat in the chair in front of him.

«So, what brings you to this wonderful place?» He leaned a bit forward on the table, smile never leaving his face.

«Hunger and inability to cook» Strider snorted.

«I get that, if I ever even try to fry an egg, I burn the whole kitchen» 

Karkat laughed under his breath.

Sometimes the douche could be funny, in his own way.

«Have you ordered yet?» It was a clear invitation, Strider must have got that too, because his smile widened. 

«Nah, I was about to tho» It was the first, actual conversation they ever had. Karkat wasn’t going to lie, it was kind of nice.

They had lunch together.

It wasn’t a big deal, or at least, it shouldn’t have been, The only real problem was that Karkat actually had fun. 

It was weird to think he could actually find Strider funny, but apparently it didn’t stop him from laughing at his jokes.

It was nice being around him when he wasn’t being a complete douche.

When they finished eating, Karkat didn’t want to go home. Apparently, Dave had the same idea. 

«Hey» He said, and if Karkat didn’t know better he may have thought he was blushing «You know, the new Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movie came out, like, two days ago» 

Karkat groaned, covering his face with his hands.

«Don’t make me think about that abomination» 

«What? Don’t tell me you don’t like those movies» Dave seemed almost affronted, if not for the small smile on his face.

«Don’t tell me you like that shit» Perfect, another thing he disliked about Dave Strider.

«Man those are fucking art» They had started walking, probably headed to the movie theater «It’s like, the shittiest, best thing that ever graced Earth. It’s a masterpiece in the most ironic sense of the term»

«Still, it’s shit» Karkat argued, side-eyeing the other.

«Maybe you meant, it’s the shit» Dave was smiling, which was nice.

It suited him, smiling, it lit up his whole face in a way that made him particularly good-looking.

Which was a thought Karkat was not going to dwell on.

«So are you going to see it with me or…?»

«I’m not paying to go see that crap» It should have been the least of his worries but, somehow, it wasn’t. 

«I can pay» He had said it in such a casual way, like it wasn’t a thing people did on dates.

But it wasn’t a date, Karkat told himself, and he didn’t even like Dave as a friend.

He didn’t want to go back to the dorm, tho. And he really didn’t want to tell Sollux where he was. 

So he just shrugged. 

«Sure then, why not»

As predicted, the movie was horrible. He lost interest not even halfway in, and opted for a better way to spend his time.

If that had something to do with staring at Dave, he would absolutely deny it.

The movie had atrociously bright colors, which Karkat absolutely loathed since they made his eyes hurt, but at the same time, their reflection on Dave’s skin made his face look almost ethereal. 

His hair were messy, and fell on his face.

Karkat really wished he could see his fucking eyes.

He knew that there would be freckles, since some smaller ones where dusted in places where the shades didn’t cover them, and he really really wanted to see his eyes. He spent a long amount of time after that staring.

He avoided looking at his lips at all costs, and only really stopped watching him when Dave moved his head an inch and asked, under his breath:

«What, do I have something on my face?» Karkat spluttered, and pointedly avoided his eyes.

«It’s nothing, you jackass, let’s just go back to this stupid fucking movie»

The movie was absolutely atrocious after that, and Karkat made sure to let Dave know the second it was finished.

«Well» he said,voice light «That was the second worst thing I ever laid my eyes upon» 

«What’s the first?» Dave asked, getting out of his seat.

«You» Dave raised his hands, as to show surrender.

«I walked right into that one, didn’t I?»

Karkat felt the smile creeping on his face.

«Yeah, yeah you did»

They parted ways in front of the movie theater, and Dave promised to lend him the other SBAHJ movies. Karkat said that if he tried he would make him eat them.

To his surprise and delight, when he came home Sollux was out. 

Tho the happy feeling that the meeting with Dave had brought quickly dissolved when he opened his computer.

  
  


\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:35--  
TT: So.  
TT: A movie date?  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT LALONDE.  
CG: IT WASN’T A DATE.  
CG: WE JUST *HAPPENED* TO MEET EACH OTHER IN THE SAME RESTAURANT.  
TT: Oh, my mistake.  
TT: So you “just happened” to also meet each other at the cinema?  
TT: And you “just happened” to sit next to each other?  
TT: And, of course, you “just happened” to stare longingly at my brother for an uncomfortable amount of time.  
CG: I DIDN’T STARE AT YOUR FUCKING BROTHER. STOP MAKING SHIT UP.  
CG: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, ANYWAY?  
CG: I DIDN’T SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR THE MOVIE THEATER.  
TT: Oh, I had a very trusted source on this informations.  
TT: For a guy that wears pointy anime glasses, Dirk can be exceedingly unnoticeable.  
CG: WHAT. THE. FUCK.  
CG: YOU HAD YOUR BROTHER SPY ON US OR SOMETHING?  
TT: I did nothing of the sort.  
TT: It just so happens that Dirk is also particularly fond of the SBAHJ movie series.  
TT: He noticed our dear brother on a date with someone that he did not recognize, and texted me.  
TT: I simply asked Dave who he was with and boom, mystery solved.  
CG: YOUR FAMILY HAS SOME BIG FUCKING PROBLEMS.  
TT: I am well aware of that.  
TT: But, in Dirk’s defence, he was merely acting in his role of big brother.  
TT: The concern was totally justified.  
TT: Especially considering the people Dave chooses to talk about at home.  
CG: THAT IS MAYBE THE MOST CRYPTIC SHIT I EVER READ.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THE MAYBE, THAT IS 100% THE MOST CRYPTIC SHIT I EVER READ.  
TT: You flatter me.  
TT: I would love to stay and chat about your behaviour during the film.  
TT: And how that, from what I heard, is perhaps the start of feelings you will most certainly repress.  
TT: Given your character, of course.  
CG: STOP PSYCHO ANALYZING ME LALONDE.  
CG: DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU’RE DATING MY BEST FRIEND?  
TT: No thank you, I do try to tell that myself several times a day already.  
TT: I still don’t quite believe it’s true.  
CG: I WAS ABOUT TO WRITE SOME SORT OF THREAT.  
CG: BUT THAT WAS SO SWEET I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE DIABETES NOW.  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, I’LL DIE AND IT’LL BE YOUR FAULT.  
CG: IT WAS AWFUL TALKING TO YOU LALONDE.  
TT: Yes, I too can’t wait for our next meeting.  
TT: bye.  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:46--  


«God dammit» He muttered, leaning on his desk. How was it possible that, out of all his family, Dave was the best person there?

It was almost starting to become a problem.

Since what Lalonde decided to start calling “movie date”, Karkat found himself spending almost all his time with Dave.

Which was a problem, mainly because Lalonde might have been right.

He fucking liked the guy.

Like, a lot.

So much it was starting to become a problem. Especially if his brain stopped working everytime Dave slumped next to him during movie nights, or when he sat just a little too close when they were out eating.

The offhand comments from his friends and Lalonde did not help the situation in the slightest. In fact, it was only making him more frustrated with himself.

Dave ever liking him back was impossible, especially since the guy would run away the second Karkat reciprocated any form of contact.

So he was in this miserable fucking limbo of having a crush on his best male friend. 

Jesus Christ was he pathetic.

He ended up looking forward to psychology only to be for a prolonged period of time with Dave. He even watched the whole SBAHJ series just to be with him, which, was a terrible idea.

He hated those fucking movies.

Karkat didn’t really think things would ever change from the static and painful situation he was in.

Well, he was very, very wrong.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:04\--  
  
TG: hey man  
TG: Ive got a question  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
TG: I missed your grouchiness dude  
TG: its not really a question anyway  
TG: its more of an… invitation?  
TG: I guess invitation is, like, better in this situation?  
TG: Im not Rose so I really dont know  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: what  
CG: YOU’RE STALLING.  
TG: oh  
TG: yeah, sorry about that  
TG: so  
CG: SO.  
TG: me and my siblings are hosting a party  
TG: later  
TG: like, around seven?  
TG: do you want to come?  
CG: WILL IT BE ONE OF THOSE HUGE, AWFUL PARTIES FULL OF PEOPLE AND ALCOHOL?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: only add to that list awesome music  
TG: bro will put some mixes  
CG: AH, WELL, THAT WHAT WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE, DIRK STRIDER’S MUSIC.  
TG: listen man, if you dont want to go then just say it  
TG: its not like i’ll be offended or something  
TG: its just a party  
CG: NO.  
CG: NO I’D LOVE TO GO.  
CG: WAIT, WILL YOU BE THERE?  
TG: of course, its also my party  
CG: OH.  
CG: THEN YEAH, I’D LOVE TO COME.  
TG: oh  
TG: ok  
TG: that’s cool man  
TG: that’s  
TG: yeah, ok  
TG: see you then  
CG: SEE YOU THEN.  
  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:22--  


It was in moments like this that Karkat felt the strong desire not to exist.

Why the fuck did he have to go and write something like that?

He just needed to embarrass himself in front of his crush, didn’t he?   
Like his personality wasn’t terrible enough already.

«Dude, you are going to hurt yourself if you keep hitting your head on the desk» Sollux said, from the other side of the room. 

Karkat stopped to glare at him, only to find him on his bed, 3D glasses pushed down on his nose to look him in the eyes.

He let his head fall on top of his crossed arms.

«Fuck off, like you care» Was his muffled response, with no real bite to it.

Sollux must have heard it because he snorted.

«I do, for some inexplicable reason» Was his retort. 

Karkat looked at him. 

«You do know that I care, right?» He couldn’t look at him.

«Yeah» He muttered, moving his eyes to look at the open chat in front of him.

«Hey, Sol»

«What?»

«Can you drive me somewhere tonight?»

The Strilondes house was fucking loud.

Karkat hated this already.

«Are you sure you want to do this kk?» Asked Sollux, who was casually leaning out of the driver’s window of his shitty car.

Karkat swallowed. He really didn’t want to go to the party. But also, he really wanted to see Dave.

He nodded.

«I’ll be fine» He was pretty sure his smile was not as confident as he had hoped, but it was the best he could manage.

Sollux stared at him for a while, before nodding and leaving.

Karkat took a deep breath and went inside.

There were a lot of people, which didn’t sit well with Karkat, given how he hated most of them.

He wandered for maybe a minute or so before being promptly stopped by a familiar voice.

«Karkat!» He turned around, only to see Kanaya waving a hand in his direction.

He made his way to her. 

She was wearing a long black dress and was leaning heavily on the one and only Rose Lalonde.

«Looking for someone, Karkat?» She asked, not even trying to hide her smug smile. 

«God don’t fucking start Lalonde» She just laughed, like there was something funny about his pain.

«My brother is upstairs if you need him» He was very grateful for that information, he tried not to show it.

«Thanks» He kept his tone as flat as possible and then turned to his friend «Kanaya, you look good»

«Thank you, the same goes for you» He raised an eyebrow.

«I’m wearing what I usually wear» She simply smiled, at least it was genuine, and detached herself from her girlfriend’s side.

«You should hear it more often tho» And then, she hugged him.

«Good luck» She whispered in his hear, as he huffed a laugh.

«Yeah, go have fun with your girlfriend» She laughed

«Ohh, I will certainly do that» And with that, the three of them separated.

He didn’t even make a couple of steps when he was stopped again.

«You must be Karkat» A girl said.

She had shock pink hair and a large smile.

«I’m Roxy, Dave’s sis and this is Dirk, the oldest brother» With that, she pointed her finger to the guy next to her.

He should have figured out earlier who the guy was, not a lot of people wore big triangular glasses. Dirk nodded.

«Sup» 

He was so similar to Dave it was almost weird.

«You know» Sayed Roxy, bringing his attention back to her «We heard tons of things about you» 

Karkat raised an eyebrow. 

«You did?» 

«Yeah» This time it was Dirk talking «Dave won’t stop going on about you and how much he-»

«That’s enough bro» Karkat practically jumped, realizing that Dave was behind him.

«Hey» He said, only to then look at his older brother.

Dirk was utterly uninpressed by the whole thing, and just shrugged.

«Well» Roxy followed her brother with her eyes. Which were pink. Karkat was not as weirded out as he should have been by the knowledge. 

«I’m going to get some booze, you guys have fun» She waved then goodbye before disappearing in the crowd.

«Don’t get too drunk» Dave yelled after her, to which she nodded absently.

«Hey, let’s go» He all but dragged Karkat away from the crowd and into a room.

«Where are we?» The place was dimly lit, with wires and discarded bags of doritos that covered the floor.

«It’s my room» Dave was already making his way through the mess and towards a bed in the far corner. Karkat followed him.

When they where both sitting on the bed, Dave pulled out of his hoodie a bottle of vodka.

Karkat raised an eyebrow.

«Stole it from the kitchen»

«Well, do you want to get drunk?»

Dave snorted.

«By the end of the night? Hopefully yes» 

He played with the cap of the bottle and looked back at Dave.

«Why don’t we play a game?» 

Dave smirked.

«Truth or dare?» 

His friend snorted.

«That’s basic as fuck» 

«Do you have any other ideas?» 

Dave thought about it for a while before shrugging.

«Not really» 

«Then I’ll start» 

He opened the bottle and handed it to Dave.

«Truth or Dare» 

«Dare, lay it on me»   
Karkat was silent. He looked at Dave, those pools of black that he oh-so-hated, and he knew what he would ask.

«Take off your shades» 

Dave made a face and took a swing of the vodka bottle. 

Then, very slowly, he took his hand up to his face and took them off.

Karkat had seen Dave a couple of times without his shades, and he cherished each one. He loved Dave’s eyes, big and red, and his nose littered with freckles.

Karkat wanted to kiss each and every one.

«My turn» Dave said, coughing a little. «Truth or dare?» 

«Truth» Dave scoffed, but asked anyway.

«Why did you hate me when we first met?» 

Karkat took the bottle from Dave and drank.    
His throat was warm, and the drink burned while it descended.

«I didn’t hate you, I thought you were an asshole» 

«I am» 

«I know that» 

«So why did you stop treating me like shit?» He wasn’t nearly drunk enough to answer that question.

«Wait your turn» Dave laughed.

«Fair enough» 

He didn’t even have to ask ‘truth or dare’, Dave answered already.

«Truth»

«Why were you kind to me when we first met?» Dave made a face lifted the bottle. 

His cheeks were red, and he looked at Karkat with an expression he didn’t recognize.

«If I tell you this… Do you promise that we’ll still be friends?» 

Karkat frowned.

«What the fuck? Of course we’ll still be friends» 

Dave nodded, only to then take a big breath.

«I may have, sort of, a giant fucking crush on you» 

Karkat wasn’t sure he heard that right.

«What?» 

«Dude, do you seriously want me to be even more humiliated? I like you, Jesus» 

Karkat couldn’t really think. That was the only explanation for the actions that followed. 

Because he took Dave’s face between his hands and kissed him. 

It might have been the alcohol, or the fact that he was kissing Dave, but it was a really fucking good kiss.

They could talk about it later, now all he wanted to do was to keep Dave Strider’s mouth on his.

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting pesterlogs has surpassed spiders in my list of fears, I now shake when thoughts of red letters cross my mind.  
> This fic is not great by any standards, but i promised my friend I'd post it so here I am.  
> (also english is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any grammatical errors).


End file.
